tehuti

I hope you don't mind me sharing here, this is just my story, nothing more, nothing less. I've often been in the same boat as you. I know as least as far back as second grade the fear of death was an obsession of mine. I've experience true terror and panic attacks from it. The looking into the endless abyss. I once broke a TV remote control in half during a sudden panic attack over death. For most of the time it was a daily small panic attack, other times it would be a big one. Two times I've degenerated into a state constant grip of fear and panic. I've had three time periods in my life where it's gone into remission. The last time the fear came back, it came back worse than ever before. I was studying for a certification for work late at night on December 30, 2008. All of a sudden the terror of death hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up that night doing something that I had never done before, I drank myself into peace. From the night on my mental state was falling apart. Every night I needed a drink or two in order to be calm enough to fall asleep. I wanted to run screaming naked into the frozen snow. At first work was a place of escape from it, but eventually I started feeling panic attacks there. I would need to get up and go for a quick walk to try and calm down my brain, not good when your job is to be on the phones. I began to see everything differently, in my mind I would deconstruct everything into particles. I feared I was going to become an alcoholic, but I couldn't figure out a better way to survive. I eventually found peace again four months later without the aid of alcohol or medication. I never found an intellectual solution, I ended up finding a spiritual one.