10 Things in 10 Days Meme

[tehuti]

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Last one, folks. Which means I completed this meme. We will overlook the fact that it took me more than ten days to do so, however. It's the holidays, and I'm busy. That's all I got...

I've been living with this for a long time now, what I'm about to say. I hinted at it a bit in an earlier entry for this meme. I've been so conflicted I wasn't able to talk about it at all until just this week.



My dad's death really fucked me up. Badly.

I've been afraid of death and dying for as long as I can remember. Really, truly afraid. I've often remarked that it is the only thing I am really afraid of. Everything about it is terrifying to me. Part of the reason I have been both an EMT and a CNA was to face this fear directly. It didn't help. As an medic, I never saw anything more serious that a severely sprained ankle. My career as a CNA was cut short in part because I got too close to some of my patients, and when they died it messed with my head.

Since my father's passing, I've gotten much, much worse.

My first thought almost every day is, "I wonder if this is the last day of my life?", and my last thought every night is, "One day closer to death." I've spent my whole life learning how to control my brain, as a magickian, a pagan and a person with ADD. I cannot make it stop this time, cannot control my thoughts. Some nights it's so bad I can't fall asleep until I am completely exhausted, and on far too many nights, I've seen the beginnings of false dawn before sleep finally claimed me. Thus far, I have largely resisted the urge to self-medicate.

I'm an idiot, and have been suffering alone. Stupid poly boy, I know. Especially since, by finally talking to Aimee about it, I made a connection that should have been obvious. People with ADD are really good at focusing on tasks, and the whole world disappears from their consciousness. Our ability to hyperfocus is a blessing and a curse. I've done some of my best work in that state, but trying to penetrate my awareness when I am doing so is a near herculean task. It's also a great coping mechanism for when you are trying not to think about something. Just hyperfocus in on something, anything, and the voices in your head go blessedly silent. So I've been hyperfocusing on a lot of things the last few months, to quiet my inner voices that are obsessed with death. But until I finally told her, and started talking, I didn't realize why I was doing what I've been doing.

So that is my confession. My brain is broken, in a way I cannot seem to control or fix. And now my secret is out. I feel shameful about it. First and foremost, I feel shameful because I cannot get a handle on my brain. I'm not used to that, and I really really don't like it. Also, I know better than to keep it to myself. I've got a lot of loving people in my life, and I've been too stupid to reach out to them for help. Third, I briefly saw a shrink for this, who tried to teach me self-hypnosis as a sleeping tool. He wasn't teaching me anything new. Didn't work anyway, then or now. I should have tried switching to someone else, but I let life get in the way. Again, I know better, and screwed it up anyway. Last, it's not like there's anything I can do about it, right? I've tried to logic my way through this fear, and have failed every time. So please, do not comment here with ways and ideas about how to change my thinking. I'm open to such conversations, but not on this post. These are the sorts of things that are best discussed in person. With lots and lots of booze. Or cuddles. Take your pick.

Comments

[eshgrey.livejournal.com]

I have both booze and cuddles and Im willing to share

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the sentiment. See you next week, yeah?

[eshgrey.livejournal.com]

If you're planning on going to the green room at all yup...

[cypherindigo.livejournal.com]

I have cuddles and logic.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

My logic has failed me. Stupid logic.

[cypherindigo.livejournal.com]

How about "reason" then. It is something that I would love to talk with you about.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Booze and cuddles are here---it's a bit far to come and claim them, though...empathy and understanding are also here, and I am willing to listen if ever you feel like you'd like to talk---I'm pretty good at listening.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

Quite a bit far, sadly. But the offer is appreciated nonetheless.

[jackals-sight.livejournal.com]

You. Me. With or without SoCo. With or without cuddles.
Definitely with My Lord.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

I'm kinda mad at Him at the moment. I'll be happy to tell you why privately.

[jackals-sight.livejournal.com]

Whenever you're ready, luv.

[mewsea.livejournal.com]

I think quite a lot about death myself, though maybe not in the same way you do. Happy to talk about it with you sometime...

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

An excuse to go out for coffee with you is always welcome. We'll have to swap spring schedules.

[miashell.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this. I have a lot to say, but nothing here. I love you.

[blacstag.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Like Michelle, a lot to say, a lot to share.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

I replied to her via text, but I'll reply to you here to encourage you to use LJ more often. I suspect this is a subject we could spend a lot of time talking about. All we need is time to actually do it...

[qchase.livejournal.com]

Thank you for being so brave. Opening up to those who love and care about you might be the first step!

btw, I'm all for booze and cuddles, too!

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

I don't know about the "brave" part. But the other part works for me. :-)

[purpleprimate.livejournal.com]

I have neither booze nor cuddles, but I want to say that your entries for this meme have each been insightful and honest, and I thank you for sharing them. You've inspired me to try this meme myself, although I doubt I'll do it justice the way you have.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

Thank you. When I can make the time for it, I take my blogging seriously. And if that is inspiring, so much the better. I shall look forward to reading yours. :-)

[vu13.livejournal.com]

I hope you don't mind me sharing here, this is just my story, nothing more, nothing less. I've often been in the same boat as you. I know as least as far back as second grade the fear of death was an obsession of mine. I've experience true terror and panic attacks from it. The looking into the endless abyss. I once broke a TV remote control in half during a sudden panic attack over death. For most of the time it was a daily small panic attack, other times it would be a big one. Two times I've degenerated into a state constant grip of fear and panic. I've had three time periods in my life where it's gone into remission. The last time the fear came back, it came back worse than ever before. I was studying for a certification for work late at night on December 30, 2008. All of a sudden the terror of death hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up that night doing something that I had never done before, I drank myself into peace. From the night on my mental state was falling apart. Every night I needed a drink or two in order to be calm enough to fall asleep. I wanted to run screaming naked into the frozen snow. At first work was a place of escape from it, but eventually I started feeling panic attacks there. I would need to get up and go for a quick walk to try and calm down my brain, not good when your job is to be on the phones. I began to see everything differently, in my mind I would deconstruct everything into particles. I feared I was going to become an alcoholic, but I couldn't figure out a better way to survive. I eventually found peace again four months later without the aid of alcohol or medication. I never found an intellectual solution, I ended up finding a spiritual one.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. I'd be interested in learning about how you found spiritual peace. I haven't hit panic attack levels of anxiety yet, but it's been close. I also haven't resorted to self-medication either, but I definitely have noticed that I drink more alcohol than I used to. Certainly not enough to warrant concern, but I am paying attention to it.

[vu13.livejournal.com]

Sure, I'm always available for sharing.

[bunnygoth.livejournal.com]

*hugs and understanding*

[bunnygoth.livejournal.com]

Oh, and FWIW, one of my many phobias used to be of death. Gave me panic attacks just to think about it. I did largely get past it though, if that gives you any hope.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

I haven't hit the panic attack stage yet, but I know what that clenching feeling in my chest is. If you are up to it, I'd be interested in hearing about your struggles with this, privately or otherwise.

[bunnygoth.livejournal.com]

Sure, we can talk about it sometime.

[moonstaff.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I've had many sleepless nights regarding that very topic. I think I fear unfinished business more than anything else about it.

But, Anpu and I have an arrangement... it has helped me.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

As I said previously to someone else, I'm not too happy with Him at the moment. With any of Them, truthfully. But that's a story for another post. Or more likely, private conversation and the booze/cuddles.

[perseph12.livejournal.com]

*Gentle hugs*

*Sympathy and empathy*

My heart goes out to you, and I am here for you. Like many of these other kind and compassionate commenters, I would be more than willing to talk with you about this. Let me know what I can do...

When I read this, I had to get some fresh air, recover a bit. I have carried a similar burden for many years, and like you, I carried it in silence. I was embarrassed about the nature of my fear because, yep, everyone dies. Why should I worry more than anyone else? I believe it is tied in to my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but I refrain from discussing it with anyone, whether zie is a medical professional or a close friend.

I was raised Catholic, and I easily believed in Heaven and Hell; as a Pagan Witch, I easily believed in the Summerlands. In recent years, I still practice magick and ritual, but I'm just not sure about the afterlife...It scares me.

I hope you can find some peace.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

We should talk...

[perseph12.livejournal.com]

Yes, that we should. I would be more than willing to take some time to share experiences over a good meal or a strong cup of coffee. Unfortunately, I can't drive until May, but you (and your family) are welcome here on the Southcoast, too.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. You can drop me an e-mail at Perseph12@livejournal.com if you want to make arrangements.

*Hugs*

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

Belatedly, I read this. *cuddles*

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

Belatedly or otherwise, thank you. I don't see this problem going away going away anytime soon, so timing isn't terribly important. And cuddles are always appreciated.